Before you read this, I would like you to know that this is raw. There is no cute bow or pretty wrapping paper I can put on this. These are the thoughts that run wild in my mind.
Why is it that the lies are so much louder than the truth?
TRUTH: Jesus loves you! You are forgiven! You are priceless. You are worth it.
My mind: You are only loved when you do well. You are worth what you give. Since you don't do that much, you aren't even worth it. That sacrifice on the Cross, you weren't even worth it.
Why is the noise in my head so overwhelming that the knowledge is unable to truly penetrate it?
I teach those truths to kids all the time! Kids like Andrea, the little girl pictured above. I know them. Like the back of my hand, I know them. But that's not the problem. The problem is that I can't seem to believe them. Am I a hypocrite for teaching what I can barely grasp myself?
Why can't I get my heart to believe what my head already knows?
I probably, actually not probably, I know that I beat myself up more than anyone else does. I irritate myself, frustrate myself and throw stones at myself more than anyone ever will. I am my biggest critic. I pollute my brain with lies after I mess up once. The mistake could be minute, but before I can move on, I have already reminded myself that Ravyn failed to meet the standard and when she fails...there is no mercy, there is no grace, there is no love. There is no encouragement that anyone could give to make it better. That's just it.
I see this in my life as well. On a real world scale, I struggle with receiving gifts and allowing myself to be loved. This is because I don't believe that I deserve it.
I hold myself to a standard of perfection, and not grace. I am my own Pharisee.
A problem with this overwhelmingly poisoned mindset is that there is no room for the Cross. I still set a standard for myself in terms of the Cross and if I fall short of it, which I always do, the grace, love, mercy, & forgiveness of the Cross, is of no effect for me.
Daddy,
I don't mean to belittle the sacrifice You made, but I do. I don't mean to be prideful, but I am. I don't mean to take the love, grace, mercy and forgiveness of the Cross and throw it away. I don't mean to call you a liar, but when You say, "You are worth it", I respond, "No I'm not." I struggle. I struggle to truly believe that there is enough of it for me or even more so that it is okay for me to receive it. I didn't earn it and I will never be able to earn it. You died so that I could have it. I really struggle. It doesn't make sense. Your love came in blood wash romance. And the blood...the suffering, the pain...I can't say with clear mind and confident heart that I am worthy. My heart wants to so badly, so help me to believe. Help my heart and mind to connect.
"How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You." ~Psalm 139:17-18
Why is it that the lies are so much louder than the truth?
TRUTH: Jesus loves you! You are forgiven! You are priceless. You are worth it.
My mind: You are only loved when you do well. You are worth what you give. Since you don't do that much, you aren't even worth it. That sacrifice on the Cross, you weren't even worth it.
Why is the noise in my head so overwhelming that the knowledge is unable to truly penetrate it?
I teach those truths to kids all the time! Kids like Andrea, the little girl pictured above. I know them. Like the back of my hand, I know them. But that's not the problem. The problem is that I can't seem to believe them. Am I a hypocrite for teaching what I can barely grasp myself?
Why can't I get my heart to believe what my head already knows?
I probably, actually not probably, I know that I beat myself up more than anyone else does. I irritate myself, frustrate myself and throw stones at myself more than anyone ever will. I am my biggest critic. I pollute my brain with lies after I mess up once. The mistake could be minute, but before I can move on, I have already reminded myself that Ravyn failed to meet the standard and when she fails...there is no mercy, there is no grace, there is no love. There is no encouragement that anyone could give to make it better. That's just it.
I see this in my life as well. On a real world scale, I struggle with receiving gifts and allowing myself to be loved. This is because I don't believe that I deserve it.
I hold myself to a standard of perfection, and not grace. I am my own Pharisee.
A problem with this overwhelmingly poisoned mindset is that there is no room for the Cross. I still set a standard for myself in terms of the Cross and if I fall short of it, which I always do, the grace, love, mercy, & forgiveness of the Cross, is of no effect for me.
Daddy,
I don't mean to belittle the sacrifice You made, but I do. I don't mean to be prideful, but I am. I don't mean to take the love, grace, mercy and forgiveness of the Cross and throw it away. I don't mean to call you a liar, but when You say, "You are worth it", I respond, "No I'm not." I struggle. I struggle to truly believe that there is enough of it for me or even more so that it is okay for me to receive it. I didn't earn it and I will never be able to earn it. You died so that I could have it. I really struggle. It doesn't make sense. Your love came in blood wash romance. And the blood...the suffering, the pain...I can't say with clear mind and confident heart that I am worthy. My heart wants to so badly, so help me to believe. Help my heart and mind to connect.
"How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You." ~Psalm 139:17-18