transitive verb
1. a: to guide on a way especially by going in advance
Being line leader in second grade is much different from being a leader on a foreign mission field. The position of leadership means: making hard decisions, having difficult conversations, screwing up royally, setting the tone, serving, being a guide and voice of truth. Being a leader means that you are under the microscope constantly. People look to you and expect, well, leadership.
This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life--emphasis on ever. So many tasks, in the house, ministries and with the students, constitute the role of being a leader. Therefore, it is remarkably easy to lose sight. Weird, I know, because I'm a missionary, right? But you'd be surprised by how effortless it is to be consumed by the tasks and take my eye off of Who I am doing them for.
About two days ago, I couldn't help but emphatically scream at the sky and say, “Why!?”
One word voiced, encompassed so many unspoken questions, and I found myself feeling a lot like Peter on the water. Why did you bring me into this? Why did you choose me? Why does this have to be so gosh darn hard? Why do I feel like I'm drowning? The God who understands and knows me, even better than I know myself replied, “You haven't been spending enough time with me. You need me.”
Conviction stabbed me in the heart; it has never been so sweet and so painful at the same time.
“You took your eyes off me, now return to your first Love.”
I thought I was doing well. Doing whatever it took, and handling tasks that needed to be taken care of for this ministry to run. But, in His patient love and mercy, He pried my eyes open to my sickness, spiritually speaking.
The disciples were on a boat in the middle of a storm and Jesus, with much grace, came and met them where they were. As a result of His walking on water, they mistook Him for a ghost, and soon thereafter realized it was Him! Peter, bold and full of faith, called out to his Lord, “If it is really you, command me to come to You on the water.”
Reading this, He took me back to January when He called me here for a second time and I told Him, “If you want me here, if this is really you, you have to provide all the money, because I only have 3 months to raise it.”
Jesus with simplicity and authority said, “Come.”
July 28th, I officially start fundraising with August 27th as my deadline.
Storm raging, eyes steadfast on Jesus, Peter walked to the edge of the boat, put one foot over the edge and onto the water and the other foot followed. What was impossible for man, had been made possible by God.
August 23rd, 4 days before I leave, He provides abundantly more than what I needed. He did it in one month.
The wind became increasingly boisterous causing the waves to wrestle. Peter, recognized the danger, took his eyes off of Jesus, looked at the waves, and became afraid. With waves taller than he, and the threat of death consuming him, he lost sight of the fact that the same Lord that called him onto the water, is the One that sustains him while he is there. Instead of focusing on Jesus, he was focusing on the waves.
Somewhere along the road, I, unintentionally, began looking at the waves. Instead of being filled with His word, I allowed myself to become saturated in the tasks, and troubles.
John 15:5 “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.”
abide. \ə-ˈbīd\
intransitive verb
2: to have one's abode; dwell; reside
Not just stick close to Him, but abide in Him. Oh, how easy it is for me to be deceived into thinking that my actions are something when Jesus says that without Him, they are nothing. I, like Peter, lost sight. Not that I stopped reading or praying, but my mind became consumed by the tasks and troubles. I was no longer abiding or, “holding fast to the Head, from whom all the body, nourished and knit together by joints and ligaments, grows with the increase that is from God.” (Colossians 2:19)
Prayer and the Word are a necessary for ministry. They are the life blood, and means by which we couple ourselves with God's power. I got so caught up on doing, being, and saying that I missed the omnipresent power of God through His Word and through prayer, and therefore found myself drowning in my efforts.
Fortunately, my God is gracious and full of compassion. While I am at the end of my rope, He is just beginning. These responsibilities that I have can only come by His power, and I am learning what it is to truly rely on Him. My faithfulness to abiding in Him is being tried as responsibility tugs on me. Leadership is an ocean, containing many waves, and I am learning to kiss those waves, because they are forcing me into my Daddy's arms. This is difficult, but I count it all joy because I know that one day I shall be like Him.
“I have learned to kiss the waves that slam me into the Rock of Ages.” -Charles Spurgeon